Trouble or Truth

The table has been cleared, all crumbs swept away. Irish had just started seeing someone else and wanted to see where that went. White turned out to think all I was good for was drunken play every three months so I shut it down. Green, Red and Salmon fell off the face of the earth and...

Ok I lied. Not all the crumbs have been swept away. There is one crumb that I just can't seem to throw out. One crumb who actually keeps coming back, metaphorically speaking. One sick, lovely, wonderful, awful, disturbed, cute, funny, self-destructive crumb who I appear to be desperately in love with still. I often wonder if it was him or the idea of him that I fell in love with. I wondered it when we were together and I wonder it now. Some mornings I wake up and think for sure it was just the idea, there's no way I was actually in love with that idiot. How could I be? He is rowdy, obnoxious, a complete mess of emotional wiring and an addict to boot! So yeah, I must have just been in love with the fact that I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who liked me, all be it not enough to actually do anything about it, but still. And then other mornings, or, well most nights, it feels as if there is no one in the world I would rather be with than him, imperfections and all.

And we've been talking. Kind of. Not as much as we used to but more than recommended for a break up. Whatever that means. I mean I know what it means, I'm not stupid. It means when one breaks up from one that they loved and that they are still in love with one ought to cut all cords and move on. Then again, I've never been much for ought to's. The thing is when we talk he'll be spouting some ridiculous story about his crazy bender weekend or his plans for when he changes or his plans for when he moves here, I'm rolling my eyes the whole time and keeping a pretty good wall up, but then, then he'll say one thing and I melt. That's all it takes. And it's never an emotional connection thing. It's never like a I-love-you-I-want-to-be-with-you-but-I-can't-thing, which he also says a lot. It's some completely random remark that he doesn't even know he's saying about a song or a movie or the way his cheeseburger was cooked. It kills me. Those moments I know, I know I was, am and probably will be until someone else takes it away, still totally in love with him.

So trouble right? He wanted to fly me to Chicago, I almost went. The only reason I didn't is cause he liked my idea better. My idea of going to mexico together to write, something we talked about a lot. No TV, no other friends, no distractions, just us and a computer. Again, not holding my breath but would really like it to happen. He would too. He would like the whole god damn thing to happen he's just so fucking scared and stupid and "not ready for a relationship." What the hell does that even mean, can someone tell me? Cause I always thought it meant just not ready for a relationship with me, but this guy can't seem to carry on not in a relationship with me. He is totally still treating me like his girlfriend (I know, I am letting him) and he's just being a really bad boyfriend. And what does it say about me that at the end of the day I still love him? That I would still consider, oh who am I kidding, I still do consider it a possibility that if and when he moves here it's on? What is that?

Truth. It's just the truth of where I am at right now. Three weeks ago the truth was I was more excited about Irish than Ex. Three weeks from now I might be in Mexico falling deeper in love with someone who clearly loves me but is too scared to move anywhere with it or I may have cut him off forever. Three days from now I may be falling in love with that cute guy I met in my meditation group last week. I don't know. I won't know. I don't want to know. All I know is that I have been lucky enough to find this connection once, of course it is hard to let it go. Especially cause neither I or Ex really wanted to let it go in the first place it was just the "right" thing to do. (And I still believe that to be true.) So love that's what I will do. I have found the more I fight it the stronger it comes back. So moving forward I will love. And I will let that love take me to wherever I need to go.

Oh and eharmony??? yeah not so much

Listen To Your Heart

Easy for you to say! What happens when you are so good at listening to everyone else that you forget what your own heart's voice sounds like? Don't call him. Don't talk to Ex. Don't facebook. Don't, don't, don't. You want to be pursued, it's not the other way around. Just wait. You haven't met the right guy yet. Be different. Don't be too different. Act like a bitch, men love bitches. Don't give too much away too soon. Be yourself, just not all yourself. Laugh, smile, flirt, avoid eye contact, make eye contact, join a dating site, drink, don't drink, you already know the answer, in your heart.

Do I? I would like to think I do. But if I don't do anything nothing happens. And I like it when things happen. I suppose I like to make things happen. But by making things happen am I stopping that which naturally wants to occur? And is there really anything wrong with being a gal who knows what she wants and goes for it? Sure it might be forward. It's different, but really I have never been one for conventionality so why start now? Because I might be rejected. Because it's not what everyone and their mother said I should do. Is that really how I want to live? Why, after all these years, am I still so invested in everyone else's idea about my life. Look how far they've gotten me. And no, I don't like to wait. I waited all through high school for a boy who didn't love me, not in "that way". I waited all through college for a friend who went totally AWOL when I stopped waiting. I spent the last year waiting for a man to sober up enough to realize how great he is. How great he could be, we could be. I don't want to wait anymore.

Ex called. He's going to be here next week. I heard a male voice on my machine and had a moment of butterfly but once I realized it was him and not Irish I became sad. Interesting right? My first response to Ex calling and actually leaving a message, a lovely one at that, about thinking of me and wanting to call me when he's happy and not just hungover, was sadness about another man. A week ago this message probably would have prompted a celebration, he's changed! He's listening to what I asked for. He misses me! Yesterday...you're not Irish and truth be told I actually found myself rolling my eyes at Ex's antics. My first thought-oh I have to send Irish a facebook email even if it's only to keep the get-over-ex-train moving. (the only way i have of communicating with him) The second thought-won't he think I am a stalker? And I've already been told that under no circumstances is this act ok by all my married friends. The third thought-I better ask around.

So I asked, and I listened and I feel no where closer to an answer. Probably because no one said what I wanted to hear. Go for it LIza May-he probably just lost your number! (Well one person may have said that part but not so much as an urging to act on my ambitions.) Because most people said 'haven't you seen that movie-kind of sounds like that.' Yes, yes, I know and yes I saw it. And maybe it's true, probably it is, he's just not that into me. But what if...a question I could wait for, a question I could go for or a question I could put to bed.

So listen to my heart right? Yeah good fucking luck. I'm going to Runyon. I'm going to sweat and listen for my heart to beat in my ears cause it's been that long. Hopefully I will hear it. Hopefully it will tell me just what I need to hear.

I hate this part right here

I met a guy this weekend. Let's call him Irish. But I got this problem you see, it wasn't a date. It was an awesome night, and morning. (yes we had a responsible grown up sleepover. calm your imaginations people, or use them whatever, only I know what did or did not happen.) We had tons of fun, great cuddling and football! (I'm trying to get ready for next seasons fantasy football league) I met his friends, they vouched for him. We talked, a lot, we laughed, a lot and we kissed, A LOT. And they were pretty damn close to proper. All in all an excellent experience. I had afternoon plans, he had the Jets game to watch so I gave him my phone number and said 'I really enjoyed this.' 'yeah me too' he responded 'a lot'. I walked him to the elevator, kissed him goodbye and went on with my life.

So great right? Right? One would think. But instead I speed full steam ahead, as I do on the freeway with my lead food, into crazy town USA. When is he gonna call? Is he gonna call? Am I an idiot for not getting his number? Am I an idiot in general? And um....is he gonna call? AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY!! It's completely insane and irrational and says something so interesting about my self-esteem no? And something tells me it's not good. How quickly I can turn over my power to some guy (who seemed like a great one but come on-I knew him for less than 24 hours) and loose all sense of reality and self is scary. But truly scary. And it makes me think...is this why I have been alone so long?

A dear amazing friend made a point that I had never thought of before-give him as much thought as he's giving you, a guaranteed less. She explained further, it's not that he didn't or doesn't like me necessarily, it's that he's a dude. A thirty-four year old Irish guy who loves beer and football and has a full life. And he seemed confident. Like he has enough going on in his life that he's not sitting there thinking, when am I going to call her? So ok challenge accepted. I obviously need to grow a spine. Plus I'm watching the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo and Patti is saying some very interesting things about people and relationships and how to grow a viable long lasting one. And judging by her story I ain't doing a very good job!

I decided today that every time my thoughts start to turn over to Irish, or any man, or the lack of a man I will turn all eyes on me. They will be loving eyes, they will be honest eyes. They will ask deep probing questions like why do you not feel secure enough to trust that you're worth the best. That you deserve it and that the right man will want to work for it. Questions like what in your life are you not proud of? Why not? And how can you change it? And then I will change it. Or at least try. It's not going to make the waiting go away, or maybe it is, I don't know yet. But I do know that whether or not I ever see Irish again I had a fantastic time and don't regret one moment. It's the after moments, they're the ones that get me. So do we think he's thinking about me right now at ten thirty on a tuesday night? Doubtful. I am therefore going to choose not to think about him anymore either. At least not in the obsessive when's the wedding date way. And I'm really going to try not to think of him at all.

Wish me luck.

By the way I joined eharmony....I think I'm working pretty hard at giving myself the chance to get over Ex!

the waiting game

Yes. Yup. Uh huh. It's been so long since I have been properly kissed that I just got turned on thinking about it during my meditation. Now I know what you're thinking. I'm not supposed to be having any thoughts during this spiritual practice of mine, let alone naughty ones. Well stranger things have happened I tell you, stranger things. A) I am, in my type of practice, expected to have thoughts. It means the stressors in my life are bubbling to the surface and will be released. (Let's not talk about what that signifies about my stressors, k?) And B) it hasn't been THAT long. I mean I've gone longer. Much.

My last kiss was on December 7. It was on my first, and what's appearing to be my only, date with White. It was a lovely kiss, it was. But it was drunk. And it got more and more drunk as the night progressed. Our goodbye kiss the next morning (yes, yes it's as bad as you think) was sweet, gentle and topical. The perfect ending to a perfect let's get drunk and "buck" (as my 3 year old nephew says) to forget about our exes date. At least that's what it was for me. And the lingering anger he seemed to have towards her the next morning discussing his cat, paired with the fact that I have arguably crossed the line too many times of contacting him and still have heard nothing-leads me to believe that's what it was for him too. I don't see why it couldn't turn into something else. And believe me I thought about it. I wanted it, want it to be more than that. He seemed like a really nice true guy. Like a good one with a bad edge. And we had fun I mean I thought we had a lot of fun and I can't quite figure out why he's not calling. Unless I am being impatient which is entirely possible. Or unless it really was nothing but two bodies colliding for an evening and that's all. Unless I'm an idiot, and please refrain from commenting because either way I got turned on thinking of what it would be like if the candles were lit and he was in my bedroom and he properly kissed me. Took my cheek in his hands, looked into my eyes and...

Of course this happened after I had imagined what that would be like with the Ex and Teach too. I have not introduced you to Teach because for all intents and purposes he is only a contender in my brain as opposed to reality. Even though its entirely possible that he and I would be a love match it's equally as unlikely as he's my teach and well I know very little so I assume he's taken, or celibate, or just generally too cool. I still think about him kissing me though. And it still turns me on. Not as much as, I'm afraid to say it, Ex. I'm trying to remember the last proper kiss we had and it almost makes me want to cry. It also makes me want to call him, and tell him, that I want him, here, now for sober sex. Good sex. We had good sex. Sometimes even great. May. I think it was late May, early June. The trip we fell in love for real. The trip we made love. The trip he started to need me. The trip he started to leave me. That was probably the last time I was properly kissed. So yeah I guess it has been THAT long. And yes I have gone longer. But If one has been properly kissed within an eight month period one does not forget it easily and anything longer that three months is THAT long. And anything longer than that is just, well I've been there and I don't want to go back.

I long, yearn, desperately (yes I can be desperate and not weak) desire to be-with the candles lit, the bed sleek, my cheek soft to the touch and my body hot to the warmth-kissed.

So I wait. I curse the stupid cell phone that does not ring and try not to succumb to the evil text message route where I can so easily say to any of them (well not Green remember) 'look at me! I'm still here. I'm waiting and I want to be kissed. Properly kissed damn it!' There's nothing attractive about that, I know it, I get it. But how long do I wait? How long can I wait? Especially because some of them are just friends. And I don't want to mind-marry every single guy I meet. (Like I could help that if I tried and like you don't so it either.) Do I join a dating site? I've been there. Done that. Didn't work. Or did I not work it?

I'm at risk to be true, now that it's looking like Ex is moving here (all though I have heard this song before). And now that I have been so turned on by a single thought of his hand on my face. The whole point was to move on, him at his best or blah blah. So I better get out there or they better come and get it. However we look at this situation something's gotta give.

So give. Give. Until then...well I guess I'll always have meditation.

I did eventually stop thinking in case you were worried. Even if only for a moment.

Any given Sunday

I'm driving down to Laguna, as I do often on the weekends, to visit some of my very favorite people in the world (gotta love blood right?). I am being moved to goose bumps by the new discovery of master mash-up artist Dj Earworm and it hits me. I'm amazing. I have the most incredible life, I have the most amazing family, the best friends and really good taste in music. My car is the coolest in the world and my house is warm and fuzzy. I am in fact relatively funny, I can cook if you give me directions and I can sing like a dove! (are doves good singers?) I also have been known to give some of the best hugs in the world, and by hugs I mean...hugs :). So I've got the wind in my hair and the bass pumping in my soul and I'm feeling good right? And then it hits me, I wish I had someone to share it with. I wish my honey would reach out for my hand or brush the long hair from my neck and gently kiss me. But he's not there. He's not there.

Don't do it liza may, don't go down that rabbit hole. Don't let this take away your buzz.

Friday night I was involved in one of the lamest set-ups of all time. In it's defense I have never actually been on a "real" set-up so I have nothing to compare it to. However, it was very obvious, very awkward and very boring. Especially because I go in and out of having the semi-hots for the guy arranging it. It's a long story involving a drunken wedding party gone terribly wrong where the magic that was supposed to happen to me went to my best friend instead. And was not magic. Bullet dodged you say? Maybe. But still I can't help but wonder when I go to his house and find my favorite paintings all over the walls. I digress, I pull up to said Host's house and make sure my lipstick looks just so, to be safe. I knock on the door and Host answers to bring me inside. He introduces me to all the couples and then Friend. Host then leads the three of us outside and pulls an "I'll be right back" move proceeding to leave us for thirty minutes. Thirty minutes of slow time talking about eye prescriptions and glasses grades. Poor guy. He was perfectly nice but just too smart for his own good, and a little hairy. And nervous. As I've said I'm trying to stay open, but when I was more bummed about the Host's date showing up than I was about the fact that I had to leave without exchanging digits, I knew it was a bust.

And the five other contenders? No word. Nothing exciting really. I texted three of them to let them know I was interested, in case there was any confusion about my interest. There probably wasn't and I probably blew it which is precisely why one of my married girlfriends bought me 'Why Men Love Bitches' for Christmas, and why I am seriously thinking it's time for me to actually read it. Tentative plans with White and Green have been made with no set dates. I haven't heard from Salmon and Green only has my number. (Watch that's the one that sticks...I wouldn't complain) As for ex? Well yes we have been texting if you must know. He hasn't been drinking, or smoking or snorting according to him, and rumor has it he's moving to LA in less than 6 months. Yes I am trying not to react. Reactions are for the weak. I will respond when I am moved to.

So do I let the loneliness kill my buzz? What do you think? I open my sun roof, turn up my volume, grab my own hand and kiss it! 'I'm amazing.' I say out loud 'And I love you.'

And so it begins....

It's true. I am sitting here in the middle of the day nursing my own bruised heart after having lunch with another bruised hearted friend and I am struggling with the desire to have another beer. He "made" me drink with him as the eight year love road he has been traveling looks to be reaching some extra bumpy terrain. I am a good friend so what was I supposed to do? What would you do? But now I am home and my heart, which had been doing so much better, seems to be pumping blue blood again, as in sad blood. As in I miss the alcoholic mess of an ex-boyfriend I left to fend for himself in chicago. Now no, I didn't really leave him to fend for himself, I am still, for better or for worse, still totally here for him when he needs me. I loved him. I love him. And where is he when I need him you may ask? Well, probably drinking, or smoking, or snorting or thinking about drinking, smoking or snorting. Sounds like a catch doesn't he? And I love him still. Hopefully he is going to a meeting and getting his shit together. A girl can dream can't she?

But this is not the point. The point is that I am moving on. I'll tell you what I told him: I want him at his best (which means sober or at least handling it) or someone better! So I look for someone better. Not that hard to do you say considering what I left behind? Well before him I had been single in the city since I was 25, and let's just say I'm older now. Plus let's face it, I've only felt this way one way before the ex and that was when I was 14. That didn't work so well either. Now it could be the choice to live in the plastic beautiful city of LA, but I still (after 14 years) refuse to believe there's not substance here. It could also be my severe hang up for "the wrong kind of guy", but that's boring and cliche. And it could be as my best-friend-cousin-heart-of-heart girlfriend says, I just haven't found the right guy yet. Who knows? But despite it all I believe in love. Still, always and forever. And I believe I will find it. And it will be here on these pages that I will explore all matters of the heart.

Right now, including the ex (because let's face it until he's really gone, or someone else shows up and takes my heart, he will still be there), there are 5 dark horses on the horizon. We will call them Green, Red, White, Salmon and well, Ex. Guess which one that is? I connected with each, slept with two, kissed three and smiled at all five with my dark chocolate sparkling eyes. I don't want to be too long winded for my first entry so I will leave it at this: may the best man win! (and bring on more universe!) Ready or not here I come!!! oh and I made tea instead of beer-better decision don't you think?