Trouble or Truth

The table has been cleared, all crumbs swept away. Irish had just started seeing someone else and wanted to see where that went. White turned out to think all I was good for was drunken play every three months so I shut it down. Green, Red and Salmon fell off the face of the earth and...

Ok I lied. Not all the crumbs have been swept away. There is one crumb that I just can't seem to throw out. One crumb who actually keeps coming back, metaphorically speaking. One sick, lovely, wonderful, awful, disturbed, cute, funny, self-destructive crumb who I appear to be desperately in love with still. I often wonder if it was him or the idea of him that I fell in love with. I wondered it when we were together and I wonder it now. Some mornings I wake up and think for sure it was just the idea, there's no way I was actually in love with that idiot. How could I be? He is rowdy, obnoxious, a complete mess of emotional wiring and an addict to boot! So yeah, I must have just been in love with the fact that I had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who liked me, all be it not enough to actually do anything about it, but still. And then other mornings, or, well most nights, it feels as if there is no one in the world I would rather be with than him, imperfections and all.

And we've been talking. Kind of. Not as much as we used to but more than recommended for a break up. Whatever that means. I mean I know what it means, I'm not stupid. It means when one breaks up from one that they loved and that they are still in love with one ought to cut all cords and move on. Then again, I've never been much for ought to's. The thing is when we talk he'll be spouting some ridiculous story about his crazy bender weekend or his plans for when he changes or his plans for when he moves here, I'm rolling my eyes the whole time and keeping a pretty good wall up, but then, then he'll say one thing and I melt. That's all it takes. And it's never an emotional connection thing. It's never like a I-love-you-I-want-to-be-with-you-but-I-can't-thing, which he also says a lot. It's some completely random remark that he doesn't even know he's saying about a song or a movie or the way his cheeseburger was cooked. It kills me. Those moments I know, I know I was, am and probably will be until someone else takes it away, still totally in love with him.

So trouble right? He wanted to fly me to Chicago, I almost went. The only reason I didn't is cause he liked my idea better. My idea of going to mexico together to write, something we talked about a lot. No TV, no other friends, no distractions, just us and a computer. Again, not holding my breath but would really like it to happen. He would too. He would like the whole god damn thing to happen he's just so fucking scared and stupid and "not ready for a relationship." What the hell does that even mean, can someone tell me? Cause I always thought it meant just not ready for a relationship with me, but this guy can't seem to carry on not in a relationship with me. He is totally still treating me like his girlfriend (I know, I am letting him) and he's just being a really bad boyfriend. And what does it say about me that at the end of the day I still love him? That I would still consider, oh who am I kidding, I still do consider it a possibility that if and when he moves here it's on? What is that?

Truth. It's just the truth of where I am at right now. Three weeks ago the truth was I was more excited about Irish than Ex. Three weeks from now I might be in Mexico falling deeper in love with someone who clearly loves me but is too scared to move anywhere with it or I may have cut him off forever. Three days from now I may be falling in love with that cute guy I met in my meditation group last week. I don't know. I won't know. I don't want to know. All I know is that I have been lucky enough to find this connection once, of course it is hard to let it go. Especially cause neither I or Ex really wanted to let it go in the first place it was just the "right" thing to do. (And I still believe that to be true.) So love that's what I will do. I have found the more I fight it the stronger it comes back. So moving forward I will love. And I will let that love take me to wherever I need to go.

Oh and eharmony??? yeah not so much