Listen To Your Heart

Easy for you to say! What happens when you are so good at listening to everyone else that you forget what your own heart's voice sounds like? Don't call him. Don't talk to Ex. Don't facebook. Don't, don't, don't. You want to be pursued, it's not the other way around. Just wait. You haven't met the right guy yet. Be different. Don't be too different. Act like a bitch, men love bitches. Don't give too much away too soon. Be yourself, just not all yourself. Laugh, smile, flirt, avoid eye contact, make eye contact, join a dating site, drink, don't drink, you already know the answer, in your heart.

Do I? I would like to think I do. But if I don't do anything nothing happens. And I like it when things happen. I suppose I like to make things happen. But by making things happen am I stopping that which naturally wants to occur? And is there really anything wrong with being a gal who knows what she wants and goes for it? Sure it might be forward. It's different, but really I have never been one for conventionality so why start now? Because I might be rejected. Because it's not what everyone and their mother said I should do. Is that really how I want to live? Why, after all these years, am I still so invested in everyone else's idea about my life. Look how far they've gotten me. And no, I don't like to wait. I waited all through high school for a boy who didn't love me, not in "that way". I waited all through college for a friend who went totally AWOL when I stopped waiting. I spent the last year waiting for a man to sober up enough to realize how great he is. How great he could be, we could be. I don't want to wait anymore.

Ex called. He's going to be here next week. I heard a male voice on my machine and had a moment of butterfly but once I realized it was him and not Irish I became sad. Interesting right? My first response to Ex calling and actually leaving a message, a lovely one at that, about thinking of me and wanting to call me when he's happy and not just hungover, was sadness about another man. A week ago this message probably would have prompted a celebration, he's changed! He's listening to what I asked for. He misses me! Yesterday...you're not Irish and truth be told I actually found myself rolling my eyes at Ex's antics. My first thought-oh I have to send Irish a facebook email even if it's only to keep the get-over-ex-train moving. (the only way i have of communicating with him) The second thought-won't he think I am a stalker? And I've already been told that under no circumstances is this act ok by all my married friends. The third thought-I better ask around.

So I asked, and I listened and I feel no where closer to an answer. Probably because no one said what I wanted to hear. Go for it LIza May-he probably just lost your number! (Well one person may have said that part but not so much as an urging to act on my ambitions.) Because most people said 'haven't you seen that movie-kind of sounds like that.' Yes, yes, I know and yes I saw it. And maybe it's true, probably it is, he's just not that into me. But what if...a question I could wait for, a question I could go for or a question I could put to bed.

So listen to my heart right? Yeah good fucking luck. I'm going to Runyon. I'm going to sweat and listen for my heart to beat in my ears cause it's been that long. Hopefully I will hear it. Hopefully it will tell me just what I need to hear.