I hate this part right here

I met a guy this weekend. Let's call him Irish. But I got this problem you see, it wasn't a date. It was an awesome night, and morning. (yes we had a responsible grown up sleepover. calm your imaginations people, or use them whatever, only I know what did or did not happen.) We had tons of fun, great cuddling and football! (I'm trying to get ready for next seasons fantasy football league) I met his friends, they vouched for him. We talked, a lot, we laughed, a lot and we kissed, A LOT. And they were pretty damn close to proper. All in all an excellent experience. I had afternoon plans, he had the Jets game to watch so I gave him my phone number and said 'I really enjoyed this.' 'yeah me too' he responded 'a lot'. I walked him to the elevator, kissed him goodbye and went on with my life.

So great right? Right? One would think. But instead I speed full steam ahead, as I do on the freeway with my lead food, into crazy town USA. When is he gonna call? Is he gonna call? Am I an idiot for not getting his number? Am I an idiot in general? And um....is he gonna call? AND IT'S ONLY TUESDAY!! It's completely insane and irrational and says something so interesting about my self-esteem no? And something tells me it's not good. How quickly I can turn over my power to some guy (who seemed like a great one but come on-I knew him for less than 24 hours) and loose all sense of reality and self is scary. But truly scary. And it makes me think...is this why I have been alone so long?

A dear amazing friend made a point that I had never thought of before-give him as much thought as he's giving you, a guaranteed less. She explained further, it's not that he didn't or doesn't like me necessarily, it's that he's a dude. A thirty-four year old Irish guy who loves beer and football and has a full life. And he seemed confident. Like he has enough going on in his life that he's not sitting there thinking, when am I going to call her? So ok challenge accepted. I obviously need to grow a spine. Plus I'm watching the Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo and Patti is saying some very interesting things about people and relationships and how to grow a viable long lasting one. And judging by her story I ain't doing a very good job!

I decided today that every time my thoughts start to turn over to Irish, or any man, or the lack of a man I will turn all eyes on me. They will be loving eyes, they will be honest eyes. They will ask deep probing questions like why do you not feel secure enough to trust that you're worth the best. That you deserve it and that the right man will want to work for it. Questions like what in your life are you not proud of? Why not? And how can you change it? And then I will change it. Or at least try. It's not going to make the waiting go away, or maybe it is, I don't know yet. But I do know that whether or not I ever see Irish again I had a fantastic time and don't regret one moment. It's the after moments, they're the ones that get me. So do we think he's thinking about me right now at ten thirty on a tuesday night? Doubtful. I am therefore going to choose not to think about him anymore either. At least not in the obsessive when's the wedding date way. And I'm really going to try not to think of him at all.

Wish me luck.

By the way I joined eharmony....I think I'm working pretty hard at giving myself the chance to get over Ex!