And so it begins....

It's true. I am sitting here in the middle of the day nursing my own bruised heart after having lunch with another bruised hearted friend and I am struggling with the desire to have another beer. He "made" me drink with him as the eight year love road he has been traveling looks to be reaching some extra bumpy terrain. I am a good friend so what was I supposed to do? What would you do? But now I am home and my heart, which had been doing so much better, seems to be pumping blue blood again, as in sad blood. As in I miss the alcoholic mess of an ex-boyfriend I left to fend for himself in chicago. Now no, I didn't really leave him to fend for himself, I am still, for better or for worse, still totally here for him when he needs me. I loved him. I love him. And where is he when I need him you may ask? Well, probably drinking, or smoking, or snorting or thinking about drinking, smoking or snorting. Sounds like a catch doesn't he? And I love him still. Hopefully he is going to a meeting and getting his shit together. A girl can dream can't she?

But this is not the point. The point is that I am moving on. I'll tell you what I told him: I want him at his best (which means sober or at least handling it) or someone better! So I look for someone better. Not that hard to do you say considering what I left behind? Well before him I had been single in the city since I was 25, and let's just say I'm older now. Plus let's face it, I've only felt this way one way before the ex and that was when I was 14. That didn't work so well either. Now it could be the choice to live in the plastic beautiful city of LA, but I still (after 14 years) refuse to believe there's not substance here. It could also be my severe hang up for "the wrong kind of guy", but that's boring and cliche. And it could be as my best-friend-cousin-heart-of-heart girlfriend says, I just haven't found the right guy yet. Who knows? But despite it all I believe in love. Still, always and forever. And I believe I will find it. And it will be here on these pages that I will explore all matters of the heart.

Right now, including the ex (because let's face it until he's really gone, or someone else shows up and takes my heart, he will still be there), there are 5 dark horses on the horizon. We will call them Green, Red, White, Salmon and well, Ex. Guess which one that is? I connected with each, slept with two, kissed three and smiled at all five with my dark chocolate sparkling eyes. I don't want to be too long winded for my first entry so I will leave it at this: may the best man win! (and bring on more universe!) Ready or not here I come!!! oh and I made tea instead of beer-better decision don't you think?