the waiting game

Yes. Yup. Uh huh. It's been so long since I have been properly kissed that I just got turned on thinking about it during my meditation. Now I know what you're thinking. I'm not supposed to be having any thoughts during this spiritual practice of mine, let alone naughty ones. Well stranger things have happened I tell you, stranger things. A) I am, in my type of practice, expected to have thoughts. It means the stressors in my life are bubbling to the surface and will be released. (Let's not talk about what that signifies about my stressors, k?) And B) it hasn't been THAT long. I mean I've gone longer. Much.

My last kiss was on December 7. It was on my first, and what's appearing to be my only, date with White. It was a lovely kiss, it was. But it was drunk. And it got more and more drunk as the night progressed. Our goodbye kiss the next morning (yes, yes it's as bad as you think) was sweet, gentle and topical. The perfect ending to a perfect let's get drunk and "buck" (as my 3 year old nephew says) to forget about our exes date. At least that's what it was for me. And the lingering anger he seemed to have towards her the next morning discussing his cat, paired with the fact that I have arguably crossed the line too many times of contacting him and still have heard nothing-leads me to believe that's what it was for him too. I don't see why it couldn't turn into something else. And believe me I thought about it. I wanted it, want it to be more than that. He seemed like a really nice true guy. Like a good one with a bad edge. And we had fun I mean I thought we had a lot of fun and I can't quite figure out why he's not calling. Unless I am being impatient which is entirely possible. Or unless it really was nothing but two bodies colliding for an evening and that's all. Unless I'm an idiot, and please refrain from commenting because either way I got turned on thinking of what it would be like if the candles were lit and he was in my bedroom and he properly kissed me. Took my cheek in his hands, looked into my eyes and...

Of course this happened after I had imagined what that would be like with the Ex and Teach too. I have not introduced you to Teach because for all intents and purposes he is only a contender in my brain as opposed to reality. Even though its entirely possible that he and I would be a love match it's equally as unlikely as he's my teach and well I know very little so I assume he's taken, or celibate, or just generally too cool. I still think about him kissing me though. And it still turns me on. Not as much as, I'm afraid to say it, Ex. I'm trying to remember the last proper kiss we had and it almost makes me want to cry. It also makes me want to call him, and tell him, that I want him, here, now for sober sex. Good sex. We had good sex. Sometimes even great. May. I think it was late May, early June. The trip we fell in love for real. The trip we made love. The trip he started to need me. The trip he started to leave me. That was probably the last time I was properly kissed. So yeah I guess it has been THAT long. And yes I have gone longer. But If one has been properly kissed within an eight month period one does not forget it easily and anything longer that three months is THAT long. And anything longer than that is just, well I've been there and I don't want to go back.

I long, yearn, desperately (yes I can be desperate and not weak) desire to be-with the candles lit, the bed sleek, my cheek soft to the touch and my body hot to the warmth-kissed.

So I wait. I curse the stupid cell phone that does not ring and try not to succumb to the evil text message route where I can so easily say to any of them (well not Green remember) 'look at me! I'm still here. I'm waiting and I want to be kissed. Properly kissed damn it!' There's nothing attractive about that, I know it, I get it. But how long do I wait? How long can I wait? Especially because some of them are just friends. And I don't want to mind-marry every single guy I meet. (Like I could help that if I tried and like you don't so it either.) Do I join a dating site? I've been there. Done that. Didn't work. Or did I not work it?

I'm at risk to be true, now that it's looking like Ex is moving here (all though I have heard this song before). And now that I have been so turned on by a single thought of his hand on my face. The whole point was to move on, him at his best or blah blah. So I better get out there or they better come and get it. However we look at this situation something's gotta give.

So give. Give. Until then...well I guess I'll always have meditation.

I did eventually stop thinking in case you were worried. Even if only for a moment.